You changed Wookiees for the new small creatures to sell more toys to morons?вЂ™ Lucas said nothing. I asked Lucas, вЂThe Ewoks are Wookiees, yes, from the other two films, the good films? Compare the meerkat. Those Ewoks in Return of Jedi, yes? They are no fucking good. George Lucas, yes? I invited him to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers play at my 2011 New YearвЂ™s party. I bought a painting of a big woman for ВЈ17m. Their failure to penetrate the wider marketplace is surely due to poor business decisions by record labels in the 80s. вЂњFantasticheskiy,вЂќ enthused Abramovich, as a woman poured us champagne, вЂњBut I have never heard them before. You explain this вЂalternative countryвЂ™ to me and watch the cowboy farm band, yes?вЂќДЄs we were served, very quickly, at the bar, the Long Ryders kicked into the countrified powerpop of their signature NRBQ cover, I Want You Bad. вЂњYou do not know who I am? Ha! Fantasticheskiy!вЂќ And then he kissed each of my cheeks in turn. вЂњYou threw a party for Putin? Who are you?вЂќ Without washing his hands, my oligarch companion clasped my face in his palms. Like Catherine Belton and HarperCollins in the future. Then he writes an offensive song obviously about me and the loans-for-shares privatisation programme: вЂIt takes a certain kind of man with a certain reputation to alleviate the cash from a whole entire nation.вЂ™ Happy to take my money though, eh? Asshole! I should sue him. вЂњWilliams played the New YearвЂ™s Eve party I threw for Vladimir Putin two years ago. вЂњHave you seen Robbie Williams live?вЂќ I asked politely, zipping up my flies, and wondering how a Russian Robbie Williams fan had found his way into a reunion show by some not well-known 80s alternative country pioneers. вЂњI never knew this group before, but the sound is Clash, but on a farm! Makes Robbie Williams seem shit.вЂќ You overanalyse,вЂќ said my new oligarch friend, suddenly stabilising. вЂњThe Long Ryders work within the country rock genre, I suppose, but they invest it with levels of real tenderness, insight and originality, magically greater than the sum of its parts.вЂќ вЂњYou are an intellectual, my fat companion. вЂIvory Tower!вЂ™ commanded Abramovich, but the spritely roots veterans sprang instead into their near hit, Looking for Lewis and Clark I did not know I was being addressed by the oligarch, and newly converted Long Ryders fan, Roman Abramovich. I am not a fan of football, kleptocracies or smelting. We do live in an Ivory Tower,вЂќ the urinating oligarch next to me moaned drunkenly in an anglicised Russian accent, вЂњAnd an Ivory Tower can fall down, any time, my friend! Fantasticheskiy!вЂќ And with that, the edified oligarch began to weep hot tears that splashed down into the urinal bowl, diluting the champagne-flavoured micturate his tiny penis had squirted weakly there.

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